WHY IS OBAMA DIVIDING MY FAMILY?
Consider these facts:
-Obama has made 47% of our pets members of The Moocher Class.
-47% of our freeloading family pets are ruining life for the rest of us.
I’ve been in politics now off and on over 20 years, and it’s never gotten this bad. My household is in turmoil, and I’m getting a bit fed up with it all.
You see, 53% of my pets are barking at strangers (including any foreign-looking yardmen), making appropriate use of the litter box, and meeting people at the door with wagging tails (except for said yardmen, of course) – or in other words, behaving like solid, hard-working pets and contributing to our household.
The other 47%?
Let’s face it, they are total free-loaders, and if the Waco animal shelter had not just had to go up an extra $5 for take-ins (thank goodness we had $35 million in tax dollars to give to Baylor for a new football stadium), my productive pets would have me carrying the ones in the 47% to the car right now.
Nipsy vs Rosey
We should have known it from the start. When Mason picked out the calico at the pound, she “nipped” him on the finger – hence “Nipsy”. Now we know that that biting the hand that feeds her was a sign of future lethargy and total dependency on others.
Nipsy thinks she’s entitled to sleep under our roof, be taken to the vet for shots, as as Mitt would say, “to healthcare, to food, to housing, to you-name-it”.
Rachel’s cat Rosey, on the other hand, catches lizards that sneak into the house. Rosey even brings dead birds to the porch so we can put them neatly in the trash.
If and when Nipsy ever finally gets off her fat butt, it’s only to bring in a LIVE rat and release it in our midst – it took six college degrees and four brooms to fix that one. (I mean the rat-loving Willard from that movie didn’t have a middle name anything like “Mitt”.)
Rosey is pissed about this every day, and rightfully so. And speaking of being pissed, I’m fairly positive that it was Nipsy that peed on the far corner of the oriental rug. What’s the friggin’ litter box for? I guess she want us to carry it to her.
How were we really to know? After all, Nipsy’s particular shade of orange is something she shares with capitalists John Boehner and Romney (that is at least when Mitt appears on Univision).
Nipsy’s gotten so worthless she just lays around and doesn’t even flinch when the dogs come by wanting to demonstrate their dominance and fearsomeness. She just lies there and ignores them.
Freckles vs Lily
Speaking of the dogs, it’s the same thing all over. Freckles is just a plain mess. The dog won’t do a damn thing. Just wants to sit around in your lap all day. Sure, I know that King Charles Spaniels are the result of centuries of cross breeding to develop a lap dog that would sit motionless in the King’s lap long enough for one of those big portraits to be painted (or until Cromwell chopped off his head).
But parentage is meaningless and no excuse. Do you really believe if Freckles’ father had been Rin Tin Tin or President of American Motors that would have made things any different? And just how loud does a dog have to snore before she realizes it’s time to cut down on the begging for Beggin’ Strips?
Now Lily; now that’s a productive animal. She’s not letting society norms get in her way. She doesn’t see that she is only 3lbs. She’s not letting the fact that my Dad’s lab is 90lbs stop her from trying to get that rib bone first (even though it did send us to the weekend emergency clinic). Lily’s the uber-dog.
She’ll lick your hand until it falls off (either her tongue or your hand), and you can’t go anywhere without her being at your heel, ready to intervene whenever and however needed. She’s been dropped on the tile floor and (as previously stated) mistaken for a rib bone by larger animals, but do you see her looking for the easy way out? No way. Hell, she’s even avoided being snagged by the local Hawks patrolling the neighborhood for squirrels and rabbits. No Moocher Class for her.
Before Obama became President, we just didn’t have these problems in Waco. I don’t know what they teach in Kenya, but here where David Koresh was raised, we know that government should just leave us alone. Rosey and Lily both tell me that the Dog-Eat-Dog, Cat-Eat-Cat world is just what the Founders intended.
Don’t get them wrong, Rosey and Lily are for 100% of all the pets in our house, just not Nipsy and Freckles for goodness sake.
So we have one cat who believes she is a victim, and the other, a constructive member of society who we really believe has future potential. Let’s face it, Nipsy’s just holding back that potential in Rosey. And it’s the same difference between the two dogs. Of four animals – two are there for you Mitt (if they can only get a photo ID).
You know it’s just not Rosey or Lily’s job to care about those other two. It’s just that neither Mitt, Rosey or Lily “will never convince them that they should take personal responsibility and care for themselves”. They’ll just never have that “job-creator” mojo. Nipsy doesn’t even like Swiss cheese for Christ’s sake, even when it’s tax free. Like I said, that 47% is driving the majority nuts.
Why not 50/50? Rachel has this amazing frog; lived with us several years despite days and weeks where we forget about it and don’t feed it. Definitely a self-starter. I figure the frog’s worth 6% at least, and it’s (don’t know the gender) a keeper.
Shame on Obama for starting this row in our happy home. At least we can count on Mitt to put an end to it all and get the moochers out. Certainly bring the price of cat and dog meat down; not everyone can have foie gras you know.